I'm glad I had that cigarette

I just drank three beers and I'm feeling tanked.

While drinking those beers, I consumed beef jerky and that's about it. My eating is/has gone to hell today. Sorta. I think I went over by a few WW POINTS.

Oh yeah, I'm still on it. This is week 13 of being on it. I am doing my damndest to stick on it. I can't believe that I've lost as much as I have, and while I still have a long way to go, I am kicking ass. My mom's house is a death-trap for my WW - a few weeks ago, I spent one afternoon and fucked my week over. But I have managed to maintain and stick to my program, for the mostpart. There's this box of Honey Bunches of Oats that's staring at me but I'll have to decline.

After drinking tonight, I smoked a cigarette, from a pack I had purchased that aforementioned afternoon at my mother's house. Appetite is lost. Eating and drinking more sounds like a pasttime I want partake in, but would rather much avoid. 

On the front of my mother's house, I just spent some time reflecting. I love my mom and that's why I'm here. I love my woman, too. I have been blessed with a beautiful and wonderful woman that she is. I love her so much and I don't deserve her. But she loves me so much and I really want to not fuck this up, willpower and all.

I fucked my life for the next two years. But we'll get through it.

Dees Juan Tine

I've been going at this, slowly, for the last 11.5 weeks. I'm on week 12 of Weight Watchers and after having lost 32 pounds, I gained one back on Monday's weigh in. I'm just taking it slow, taking it easy. This one lady I admire once said, "inch by inch, life's a synch!" I'm trying to take it down to that level.

The eating. I eat the same foods every day. I have an egg, two egg whites, two english muffins, 2 TBS of ketchup, and coffee (with 4 TBS of 1/2 and 1/2 and 1 TBS of sugar). For dinner, it's usually a salad with my favorite 2 tablespoon dressing and asian dumplings (1 point each), fried in olive oil. Being that I'm a big mang, I get 42 points per day. I went down by two points since starting this thing. In between the two meals, I try to mix in variety.

I'm trying to maintain my stress. Lucky for me at work, we have a therapy room with a couch. I took a power nap in there and it helped me out immensely. I'm worried about grad school and how I'm going to pay for it. I am waiting for my financial aid package to come, which should take (hopefully) three more weeks. I'm also waiting for my tax return from Uncle Sam and Uncle Arnie... trying to figure how to allocate that between savings for this move with my girlfriend and the NEVERENDING FUCKING CREDIT CARD DEBT THAT WILL EVENTUALLY TAKE LIFE AND MURDER THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LIFE, DREAMS, SAVINGS, and CREDIT SCORE.

The future is uncertain, but it's where I'm putting my better days. Inch by inch, I'll get there.

Also, if anyone is interested in six inches, please inquire with management of this blog :P

Open Wide Lament

Okay, so here's a brief intro.

Today's weigh-in looks like:

Food at the moment looks like:

(I ate more than this, but these are the last items I've eaten that appear on the screen shot. The POINTS(c) are correct) [tangent: version 2.2 of the iPhone firmware totally killed the kick-ass WW application that Park East had to pull. I downloaded iLog It [iTunes] and it's almost just as sweet]

I didn't exercise today, although I logged three points for two hours worth of shopping/standing-in-line-at-little-Tijuana-also-known-as-Wal-Mart-and-Costco.

Right now, I'm in an okay place. [Tangent:]I'm one frenetic motherfucker, which is why I prefer drinking over smoking. Drinking brings me down. I'm high strung and weed, for whatever reason, always fucks up my head and I always feel like I have lost control with being high on top of me being high strung.

Anyways, I'm in an okay place but I am worried. This stupid grad school application... I'm almost done with it... probably putting in 8 more hours of work and I'm done. For better or for worse, this is going to fuck up my life for the next few years. For better, if I get in it's an opportunity for me to grow in my career and eventually settle for the pay that I want and deserve. For worse, I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and if I don't get in, it's going to mess with me. One good thing about getting rejected will be that I have other schools to consider next year.

A few months back, I applied for this position and I totally got railroaded and feel as if I was not being giving a fair opportunity to be considered for the job. I took that rejection pretty hard and I really don't want to be feeling like that if I get a negative response from applying. 

I'm worried about moving in with my girlfriend. It's going to happen this year. The last time I moved in with a girl I loved, it did not go well. Not. One. Bit. (Thank you, Joker). So anyways, what better way to solidify this whole "Marriage Trial Run" thing than to do it in the midst of an intensive graduate school program. I mention that wretched M-word because I see a future with my girl.

Anyways, that's one of many things on my mind. How this relates to this blog is because I'm lightly stressed. Thankfully, I'm not stress eating, which is surprising. I'm gonna go get a starbucks before they close to perk up... yeah, that sounds about right.